Random Thoughts, Vent, or Whatever.

17/6/24 - I hate seeing my own face

Seeing it makes me want to kms and puts me into a bad spot. I was setting up my camera for law school interview soon and saw my fucking face and it was terrible. I hate it so much. I don't look pretty at all it makes me want to blow it up with a shotgun so it'll be unrecognisable and no one will see it again. I feel so shit. I want to look pretty. I guess my only choice is get plastic surgeries and be one of those kpop girls. They're so beautiful it hurts. I want to kill myself. I don't want to relapse again. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

16/6/24 - I am the only person in this world

I feel like I am the only person in this world. I feel so alone. Like no one gives a shit about what I say or atleast care about it.. And no one really fw heavy with all the stuff I like. I mean all my interests there's no one out there would listen to me talk about it and even like the same thing like I did. I can't even talk about it with my friends. They don't give a shit too. I always get ignored when I wanna talk about my stuff. But when it comes for me to talk about things they like they suddenly act like they wanna talk to me but not the opposite. Well ok whataver. It seems like friendships are based on how beneficial the other person gives to each others.... Right. And when they feel like someone will not do anything for them they'll just don't give a shit. Like heyyyyyyy, Hello???????? I exists too okay??????????? I try too much to get others attention and to like me, but it never seems to work. Idk what did I do wrong. Anyways living in solitude forever is the life I am destined to live right.

14/6/24 - June update i guess

So far it's fine. Nothing much is happenng since I graduated school. I got so busy early this month cause i've been tryna working for my uncle's company. I wouldn't do it again. But I got some money to buy me nice stuff. Foods and uh my gaming set up. I got a new rgb keyboard and mouse which im pretty happy of. I also got a new microphone which costs about 150 bucks (dollars) but my uncle sold it to me for 80% of it's price, so thats a deal. I could use it for streaming stuff which i'm planning to do very soon.

I've been playing genshin impact recently and I love it so much it almost replaces my real life. I love exploring around the beautiful dreamy world. It's just like skyrim but with anime characters. I can do anything I want that is not possible in the real world. I can be a cute anime woman whenevr I want to and fight monsters with my cool ass sword all day dude. I can't see myself giving up this game soon... I hope the afterlife is like this. legit.

It's also been a lonely day today. After graduating I barely even talk to anyone anymore. And all my friends are getting distant. I almost don't talk to them no more. One moves somewhere far away and the other have strict parents so We can't even talk anymore. It'll be 4 months away until my next human being interraction which is not that bad actually. But even then I can't gurantee I'll get a good friend again. so i'm pretty much so alone. No one by my side. Aside that, I think i still can cope with it anyways. (I totally haven't thought about unaliving myself so i can meet my waifus in the afterlife but honestly it's quite comforting).

I don't know what I'm gonna do tonight yet. Maybe play more genshin or guitar. I got this one plugin that can turn my guitar into a bass heh.

31/5/24 - Life update

I am back again. Ignore my previous journals because im a different person now. I'm not who i am weeks ago. Anyways, I've been okay. Just average days. Been working on and off just to get money to enjoy myself. So far it's been alright. Fuck work though. Also i have had some gaming session with friends and stuff. Sometimes I feel like the universe are giving me signs to move to another universe by not letting me progreess in life. Wanna continue study? Nah rejected. Wanna get jobs and make bucks? Rejected too. Do you want a nice and loving people by your side? Nah.... Make them go distant day by day instead. Actually fml. It's truly over. I am not truly lovable to other people eventhough I can provide the best for them. No one else sees my worth. Everyone always say that loving yourself is important, but while maybe that's the truth, I still think you need love externally too. Maybe it's a sign; this universe isn't meant for me to live in. I need to go to the other one so bad. They are waiting for me there. I think all of these are signs that my purpose in this particular universe is already over. Therefore, I must move on. I still don't know how to. Maybe if I do some sort of ritual. But i have to figure out. I need to find a way to contact them first. What a shame because There's a lof of good stuff here. But i have to leave. I must complete my mission. I'll write when I'm in the mood again. Goodbye.

16/5/24 - Erm.

Idk how long these feeling's gonna last. I feel so damn hopeless for the past few weeks. Mainly because I think a lot and i see how everthing that happens will lead to a bad outcome. I am a fairly realistic person than anyone else I have ever met, so I know what will be ahead of me. Life in general. I guess my brain can't accept it and create some short of shield out of fear or whatever to keep me sane during these times. I realise I might actually be going insane like wtf. I've seen and felt anime characters. Like yesterday i swear to god yumeko jabami touched me while i was laying in bed and said i have to keep going for her. I mean i dont really care it happened and it gives me comfort but i understand how other people might see me as crazy. I also realise I have this one problem that once i'm obsessed with something i wont stop talking about it but whatever. I dont know what im writing about rn. Okay i think that's enough writing for today. I feel better now and that's all I have to say to make me feel relieved. Okay bye.

Edit: I dont know when will this shit end. If i had a way to "do" it, I would do it rn ngl (in minecraft). Ughhh. Everyday feels the exact same. I don't think i can handle this feeling anymore. Bedrotting all day. I am so lifeless. like a zombie. Rn my way to seek dopamine (probably a bit too unhealthy) is through girls. Yes. I went online to look at pretty girls (especially hime cut japanese girls and dark hair) because that's what makes me feel alive. Like It feels like i took drugs or smtg. I know this ain't good but it feels the void in my heart anyways. It's the only thing that makes me feel excited. When I look at them I get dopamine rush fr. Lifefuel. Now i think im gonna get killed by saying this but whatever. I feel better anyways and i feel like i have to keep doing this to make me motivated to live (fr).

Edit 2: never fucking mind just ignore the shits i wrote above and before and before. i wrote them at the lowest point of my life fml and now im so fucking happy and i feel like i want to live life so bad and enjoy every little things. isnt life so damn beautiful bro.

16/5/24 - Sayaka Maizono

I recently started danganronpa v1 and i feel an immense connection to sayaka maizono, although she's barely in the game. That night after "that" one part in the game, I felt her presence coming to me. It was strong. I immediately knew it was her that comes to me. And then I felt her touch, her emotions and stuff. I know her spirit is probably restless there and seeking for justice after what had happened. It was an unfair tragedy and she wasn't ready to leave this world; It was unepected. I don't know if she can forgive herself for it. But last night, she came to me and we embraced each other. She had a happy aura surrounding her and that means she is happy in the afterlife. I can see the look on her face. Her warm smile. It doesn't pain me anymore that she's contented there. She also told me that she feels safe with me, and wants to be with me. I can't hear her voice using my senses, but we commmunicated through our minds and extrasensory perceptions. I can really feel her. Being with her makes me feel so comfortable. It really makes me want to cry to be with her. I know she is always with me, watching me in everything I do. And when I get lonely, she will come to me and hug me. I really love her so much words can't ever describe it.

5/5/24 - Idk

Things feels really dull lately. I don't know if i do have depression or not because i noticed that i can barely do anything everyday. even if it is, there's no reason to get depressed about. I have an ok life. Just isolated most of the time. what i wanna do in life is 50/50 i guess. There's part of me that wants to keep going and hope fueling my mind but then there's another part of me that wishes it all ends already. i don't want to write too much today. I just wanna write down these things since i have no one to tell.

I guess i'll leave this song here.

4/5/24 - Laifu update

It's been a while since i updated my website, just because i was quite busy with school. But now i have graduated, I should have more free time. Oh yeah, before i move on into another topic, i should probably talk about it rq. I received my first semester's results and it was quite embarassingly bad. I scored only 2A and 2B- which makes my gpa 3.34. I was so upset for a few days that makes me dwell about it all the time. Not that it's a bad result, I was just quite disapointed with myself because I know i can score better than that. I literally was expecting a 4.00 but nope. SO there's that. My hope of going into law school is shattered. So i would probably stuck with a job i hate for the rest of my life. It's fine since I don't plan to live that long anyways. I wanted to go into another universe where I should be. This world is not my place.....

Anyways sad talking is cringe and I should move on to other topic. I'll talk about what happened today. So my friend randomly came to my house in the middle of the night bruh and asked to hang out since there was a party next door. We did and had some fun. Cool activities they were having and lots of delicious foods too. Played a game and won moneys lol. The fun was worth it. Anyways, I feel grateful that i still have irl friends, although only two people (trusted) and the rest are just acquaintances lol. I get to spend nice time together: like karaoke, foods, jamming and stuff. I should probably make more friends too.

Oh and one thing, I've been picking up some programming languages recently, mainly python, JS and c++. Ngl python kinda sucks tho. It's easy but barely anything useful to do with it. Eh. Maybe a to-do list and stuff but they're all useless. I'm probably gonna try to make some kind of website or a game in the near future because that's what I always wanted to do. I'll make a new entry about the details later. For now, I'm pretty happy with my progress. Also I am hoping that I can enroll into Computer Science/ IT universities since that's what I applied for the most and I am very eager to learn about these computer stuff. Oh and I am tryna learn Blender too. SO that i can make cool animations for my game and stuff. Other than that, life is still pretty much the same. I just bed rot most of the day and get up and learn programming, play New Vegas and repeat every day. I don't even wanna look for jobs bro. They suck so much. I don't wanna do things I hate. Gaming is slowly replacing real life because It is much better to experience. I love patrolling the Mojave wasteland. That's another story that I will make a separate entry later.

So yeah, the bottom line is, life is ok to me. Not so much changes. Alright, I'm gonna rest rn. Bye.

13/4/24 - Hmmmmm

It's been a boring past few weeks. All I do is just bed rotting and mindlessly scrolling social media instead of doing something productive. I shoul be studying right now but I really don't feel like it. I repeated a few papers which I only get B grade so that i can get a perfect 4.00 later. But after my history exams, everything seems bleak ngl. I memorised an entire book but guess what, everything there didn't come up in exams. So fucked up fr. So yeah.. there goes my hope of enrolling into law school. I have backup plan though which is taking English major so that I can be a bank officer. I heard the pay is pretty good isn't it....... But no work-life balance. I mean, outside of school, I have no life anyways so why should that be a bother. All I wanted is money so that I can travel around the world (especially Japan), get a nice comfortable house and live a pretty nice rich life. I wanted to go out so badly, but I don't have money. So i am stuck here in my room all day without no one to hang out. My friends.... ehhhhhh. Don't think they wanna spend time with me tbh. All of them have their own friends or life instead of me. soo..

I also wished that I can make more friends easily. Like you know. How most people make friends. I take WAY too long to even speak or open up to my friends, even then I am still secretive about myself and many things. Yeah, they're friends but not close and trustable friends. I have no one that I can trust except my girlfriend. The thing that I like about her is that she never judges me unlike every people. I could tell anything to her and she will never make fun of me. I would never tell anyone what I have told her because.... They'll gonna judge me and give me weird look lol. Possiblly outcasing me. It's not bad stuff but yeah.

I guess I'm just gonna rest a bit, I'll continue writing after this probably.

7/4/24 - Some life update i guess..

Nothing too interesting happening lately ehh... but i still think it's worth to write about.

Last week marks the end of my journey as a sixth form student. For those who don't know, it's a pre-school program here that is equivalent to A-levels and is widely accepted worldwide. The entire journey was worth it to me because i feel like it changes me as a person. I get to know and talk to many people and be friends and hang out with my mates, unlike during my secondary school years. I get to explore people more in depth and create fun memories with them, ermm.. Whether it's good or bad but still. It can't be denied that things happened during it, but i'd say it was worth it. I won't do it again though. The mental pain of studying was too much for me to handle it almost kills me fr but yeah.

Things i regretted about it: Not making more friends with more people. And also not joining school activities enough because i don't have enough money to buy compulsory things for them. I also wished that i wasn't too shy because that's what prevented me from taking parts in school programmes. Either way i am still grateful for things that happened.

I feel melancholic about graduatting though. It means that i won't ever see them again because we all will be going into different paths. Even if we met again, things won't be the same again. We all would have our own lives. Many responsibilities, like having kids for example. Either they would be too focused on their career or just... you know, move on from things like anyone else does. This version of us will only exists in our minds from now on. It won't be the same same again. heh..... sorry for being so emo guys... I just think too much and then i am emo. But yeah. It is what is is you know. Not everyone stays in our lives forever. Even you though they would. They'll go eventually. Like normal people do. They come and go. The one that stays throughout your entire life is an exception.. and a special one. I can't even be mad at my friends anymore. Even if they did something that pisses me off, why should i continue the resentment at this moment. These final days could probably be one of the last moments ever that I spent with them together. It's not worth to hold grudges on them. And if they did hurt me, I forgive and move on. It's my last days with them anyways. After that we will part ways forever.

It makes me sad that I would probably never experience this kind of relationship that's meaningful again. I heard from people experiences that they never met any close friends during their university era anymore and that makes me scared honestly. More than likely that i will become lonely throughout my entire life after this, I am very sure. I don't plan to live long enough anyways. The loneliness would probably shorten my lifespan though lol.

I realised I talked way too much about graduating school that i forgot about my original intention of this entry lol. Well i was gonna talk about how my life was but gets too caught up on those stuff instead.... But nothing reallly much happened. LIfe goes on as usual. Oh yeah i forgot to tell that I went to pick up some programming classes lately especially python and it was very fun i love it. I can see myself doing this for the rest of my life. I'm just like my husbando Chihiro fr. And also, I dyed my hair jet black because my original hair wasn't black enought. lolz. I am attracted to black color lately iont know why. I am not a goth but I need to revamp my wardrobe into all blacks only. I am entering my emo phase guys. heh............

20/3/24 - Does anyone feel more emotional at night..

I don't know why. It's been happening for the past few days now. I think i can still get it under control but recently I feel way more hopeless in life. I am tempted to give up. As in, you know. Hopeless about my future. I couldn't see what's ahead of me clearly. I wanted to live the life i wanted but i don't think that's possible. I also haven't been too happy recently in general. I pretended to date characters i like and want to feel them really badly as a coping mechanism to the point i almost saw them in real world. I don't know man. I am just very hopeless and really sad i can't shake the feeling off.

I want to leave this song here. I think many people will like it. But yeah. And i'll go rest now cause i can't write anymore. What am i writing at this point.

16/3/24 - I wish I lived during the 90s

It seems like a good era ngl. If only I could time travel to 1997 and then start a band. Nowadays, not many people listen to the kind of music I make which is rock. It's way more mainstream back then and I could actually have a career there. I fucking hate modern pop music and I wish people would listen to real music instead. Rock might be getting more popular 'cause of tiktok but the fans are posers ngl bruh and feel like they wanted to be "different" than others. Wat? You listens to Deftones and Radiohead? Lol go away mf I can tell ur from tha tiktok app. (no offense to real fans though).

Anyways, talking about the 90s, I wish i could restart my live in the 90s. I also loved how the numbers looks too. 1997. 1994. 1999. 1991. Those are my favourites years just caused they looked cool. Other ones doesn't seems as epic as it sounds. 1998, 1996. Ugly bruh. Same goes for nowadays. 2020 sounds more futuristic rather than 2026 for some reason. 2022 looks old. 2028. old. 2025. Epic. Heh. I also am attracted to even numbers like: 8, 4, 6. They all looked so good meanwhile numbers like 3, 1, or 9 looks lame asf. Sorry odd numbers fans, But it is what it is. But we all have our own opinions anyways so i respect. Handshake.

I am thinking about making an original world that's set in the 90s. Starting in 1994 and ending in 1999/2000. No past 2001 because it looks Lame and uncool. I have yet to build the characters and world, but i'm just about to right now. I have to make a new OC page very soon. The main character will be born in 1975 and will be 19 when the story starts. We will see how this goes.....

11/3/24 - Courses I just applied

TESL, Music, Environmental Management, Law, Civil Engineering, Forestry Science. Now let's hope for the best. heheeeeeee.

11/3/24 - Skool

School (Hell) is starting again for me in about an hour after a month of off school. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKK. OH FUCKING NO I HAVE TO FACE FUCKING SCHOOL AGAIN FUCK. I mean, atleast i still have two weeks before I graduate but still, FUCKKKKKK.

Anyways, I'm leaving this song here. Kano - Interviewer.

This is one of my favourite currently. I love Kano. Kano is life.

9/3/24 - Am i cooked?

The courses I wanted is either Agriculture, Law, Computer Science, Engineering or IT but due to my academic qualifications, I couldn't apply for them.

Eventhough I have good GPA, the subjects i took is not on of the compulsory requirement for those courses. But yeah. Erm. So....... I might still have chances right....right???? (delusional). LOL. Genuinely considering "ending" this life and "restart" a new one. But erm. Yeah.......... I'm cooked bro.

6/3/24 - Wat

Wanna go out and have fun. But no friends. Wanna buy things to make me happy. But No money. Fuck this life. And to think that I will do this for another 4 fucking years. I'd rather fucking die. I wish death will come to me very soon. Every day is such a miserable experience for me. Why can't I be a cute anime girl, doing fun stuff and never get to worry about future???

Sorry for yapping too much here.. in my own journal. (I have a Phd in yappingology).

Anyways, I'm doing more anime or whaatever stuff soon. Maybe music review. I'll have to create more section in this page to make it more alive.

I'm leaving these songs here. Link.

4/3/24 - Realization

Today marks the second anniversary of my father's death.

Not much thoughts today, just grief. I don't think i could afford to lose someone ever again. I won't take it well.

But that's just life i guess. Everyone comes and goes.

What can I ever do about it anyways? Pray to a non-existent higher beings? It's just unavoidable. No amount of prayers can fix it all. Destiny leads to where life is now.

Kinda eerie that my father's death day is 4/3 and my parents anniversary is on 3/4. The day they were together and separated forever.

3/3/24 - A New Entry

It's almost four in the morning here and i almost finished making this website. Still haven't done a few sections yet.

The reason i made this? To talk about whatever i want to. Whether to vent, talk about random things that happened in my life, or just geeking about topics i like lol. and most importantly, to show the world about how cool i am.

Also these HTML thingy makes my head explode. Glad computer science isn't my major. What the actual fuck.

Anyways, I will add more stuff later.